Freakin' Out: On a Stage with a Spasming Back

Intro 

I was laying on the stage of the church, unable to move. 

A tremendous back spasm left me temporarily immobilized. 

The same stage that I: 

Played Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen for a live audience for the first time. 

Sang Amazing Grace, I Saw the Light, and Amazing Love all in the same set. 

Did a live show of originals called Special K at the Army. 

I learned how to do public speaking through preaching. 

Played the bass guitar on Christmas Eve for a packed house. 

Fused music, worship, dating, and drama. 

I had the best time playing live music with the first person I fell in love with. 

Watched my mentors teach me how I wanted to do ministry. 

Learned lessons in leadership, love, resilience, and what would be the building blocks of my professional life. 

On this day, I was carried out, and carried home to be on bed rest for several days after. 

At that point, I didn't have back spasms that often and didn't think much of it, but hindsight being what it is, I know whatever that was finally caught up to me. 

The Story

I was messing around with one of my peers, one before I knew it, I was laying on the stage of the church, unable to move. A little bit of horseplay and all the sudden I couldn't move. I've never forgotten how terrible they felt because they were pretty sure they had just broken me and none of us knew the extent at the moment. One minute we're going about business as usual, goofing around, and the next, we're figuring out how to get me back home when I can't stand up. 

The horsing around caused a tremendous back spasm and left me temporarily immobilized. I remember laying on that stage, a place I was so comfortable with at the time, because I spent many hours a week at this venue. It was my home away from home to a point. This Salvation Army Corps (church) has held so many roles in my life, both as a trauma survivor, as a disabled person, and also as a former religious person. It was my safe space in every sense.

The stage I was laying on with a busted back was the same stage that I played Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen for a live audience for the first time. Today, this has little significance for most people in my life. But for those around me at the time, it was the beginning of hearing me sing. Hallelujah about a million times. I have the distinction of having played and sang. Hallelujah on stage at church for Sunday morning worship (it's not a worship song by the way), on stage at church for my own personal rock concert, on stage at school for various different concert activities, recorded on YouTube, for audiences in at least three different states, maybe four, and at countless backyard barbecues with my best friends in the entire world. I'm pretty sure they would just assume never to hear that song again. 

The first time I played. Hallelujah at the Salvation Army corps was very special for a couple of reasons. It wasn't my idea, it was the suggestion of somebody I was pretty in love with at the time. I realized before I ever went on stage with it what the song is likely about originally, and this encouraged me to play it live at church all the more because I thought it was hilarious. I proved in doing so, that you can make a mildly suggestive song like Hallelujah emotive for worshiping the divine just as easily as preserving the original intent. I think some Continental philosophers would appreciate that. 

I didn't just sing songs like Hallelujah on that stage, I also sang Amazing Grace, I Saw the Light, and Amazing Love all in the same set on a memorable August morning. I was reflecting on this recently as I listened to that set (yeah, I have a recording of it) That the countless hours of practice and Sunday mornings that I played live music for the praise and worship team was building a skill that I have since lost, and wish I still had, and that was the ability to play live music for crowds. I was more comfortable on that stage than just about any other. 

When I wasn't participating in the praise and worship team on that stage where I was now laying with a busted back, I also did a live show of originals called Special K at the Army. I didn't just play one or two songs. I played for hours because I had enough personally written material to do it. While I was building skills for the Ministry that would later serve me in my library career, I was also living out the dream of trying to be a rockstar. I've recently realized that all of that live music I was playing during those years of my life was incredible cardio that was helping to keep me relatively healthy. I would sweat less after over 2 hours of playing a live set back then than I do today if I manage to play for 15 minutes. 

Among the skills I learned on that stage, I learned how to do public speaking through preaching. Everything I use for public speaking today, which I don't do nearly as much as I used to because my job doesn't necessitate it to the same degree, I learned on the stage at the Salvation Army. I put in my reps so to speak. I learned things about timing, pacing, presence, humor, and pivoting that I use anytime I have to step in front of people. Arguably, I'm more nervous now than I used to be for a variety of reasons and at the same time I'm completely comfortable improving in front of a live audience because I know my words will find me. Even on a very micro level, that's been an invaluable skill for pivoting and interactions that change from the type of person I'm interacting with or the type of group I'm speaking to at any given moment. It's a skill set that's probably made my professional life tremendously easier than it could be and I almost forget that it's there.

I even learned new things and did unexpected things on that stage where my back was hurting. I played the bass guitar on Christmas Eve for a packed house. I had access to a bass guitar because my dad had played but I was not a bass player. I wanted to play in the praise and worship team and I'd already done the other parts like playing the drums, and playing the guitar. At that time there were too many guitar players, and the subsequent drummers were way better than me. But, I still wanted to play so I learned the bass and wound up playing on Christmas Eve. If you know anything about church, it's one of the two busiest days of the year. I can visualize playing silent night in the dark by candlelight. Stuff like that feels really good to me. 

This space was my space so much so that I managed to fuse music, worship, dating, and drama into the routine. During my college years, I was at the corps (that I refused to call that at the time) a lot because I was interning there to prepare for a career in the Ministry. I brought friends in for service hours, when I fell in love I brought her in to play music with us, and to be a part of the group. I don't talk about this much anymore but I learn from it every day. Remember, the wider story here is about disability in context with complex trauma. At that phase of my life, I had learned nothing about how to manage my trauma responses in a healthy way. To put it another way, when my dating drama spilled over into my church activities, I hadn't learned how to handle that sort of thing. And, today, I own that I was a reactive ass. My time at the Salvation Army taught me a lot about what not to do in life and how to carry myself differently. Basically it was the place I began to learn maturity, leadership, and accountability. 

Before the drama that I was somewhat responsible for, I had the best time playing live music with the first person I fell in love with. I cherish that part of the memories while I examine the other. I take ownership of where I needed to grow and learn at the time, and I'm very happy to say that I look back on that, and know, I would be able to handle that with a lot more maturity today than I did then. I don't think we come out of the box with all of our leadership skills, I think sometimes you learn them by falling flat on your face, and I did plenty of that during those years of my life. I think the reason I tell you this is because it would be really easy to focus on all of the things I've overcome in my story from an external perspective and I think it's equally important to acknowledge that I've also overcome a lot internally. There are things I did then that I would never do today because it just simply wasn't good leadership and it wasn't mature. On the other hand, the thing that has always worked for me, even when I knew nothing and thought I knew everything, is being able to sit with people and see their real things with perspective and compassion. Today, I work on doing that for myself.

I learned so many personal and professional skills from that stage at the Salvation Army. I watched my mentors teach me how I wanted to do ministry. Those four men did more for my life than I can even put into words. All of them gave me my first job recommendations and recommendations to get into college. One of them gave the sermon at my mother's funeral. One of them was there when I found out she died. One of them was there later that night when I just needed to sit and cry and cry some more. One of them was my inspiration to go to college, to start doing youth ministry, to have the courage to play my music live, and was there to teach me lessons about leadership and the way you show up. I shared life with these people every day for years, some of them for decades, and I can tell you that what I learned about the Ministry from them is what made me any good at it. They were as real as real can be, they not only saved my life at times, but they helped me build a life beyond expectations.

On the stage that I lay with a spasming back, I learned lessons in leadership, love, resilience, and what would be the building blocks of my professional life. On this day, I was carried out, and carried home to be on bed rest for several days after. Having to have your college roommates help you move around puts a lot of things in perspective. I did recover from this incident, but the experience was quite alarming.

At that point, I didn't have back spasms that often and didn't think much of it, but hindsight being what it is, I know whatever that was finally caught up to me. I think the spasms I had in my twenties were probably a precursor to the daily issues I have with my back now. Along with maturing in how I react to situations and people, I've also matured in how I listen to my body when it doesn't want me to do things, or when I've pushed it too far.

This piece was written to the soundtrack of Freakin’ Out by Dexter and the Moonrocks.