Humble and Kind: Don't Say that Tim

“Hold the door, say please, say thank you

Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie

I know you got mountains to climb but

Always stay humble and kind” (Tim McGraw, Humble and Kind). 

I wouldn't be who I am without where I've been. While I've lived through some challenging things, I also picked up a lot of good along the way. I actually like holding doors for people. At the church I grew up going to, there were a couple of thousand people in attendance every Sunday morning, and I would stand at the door and hold it open for people to come and go for several moments at a time. Sure, I was raised to hold doors open for people, to show respect, and to use my manners. Also, I really enjoyed doing that. I did it almost every Sunday that we went. I wouldn't hold it for just one or two people, I would hold it for several people. Those habits aren't just there, they're built, and made. 

Having left the Church all together, there are certain things that I don't think will ever go away. I still treat other people how I want to be treated or at least I try to. The gospel message is ingrained on my soul even if I don't walk the path anymore. It very much still influences how I interact and engage with the world. 

There's a little bit of contrast with the fact that from the same book, I learned the concept of selfless love and I embedded a message of worthlessness in myself. I've done a lot of incredible things that are not really meant to inspire anyone. They were all a means to one end for me, that message, a radical message of love and acceptance. On one of my college sweatshirts, the words, “Believe. Belong. Become.” All I've ever wanted was to belong anywhere really and receive that love that I devoted my life to for a long time.

For as long as I can remember, people have wanted me to shrink. They have wanted me to stay quiet. They have wanted me to be more professional. They have wanted me to be more politically savvy. They have wanted me to be silent and refrain from speaking. There's an old saying, “the truth will set you free.” And, it'll get you in a lot of f****** trouble. It turns out a lot of people really don't like it when you tell the truth. When you're too honest. 

I didn't leave the Church because I did an aboutface on the teachings of Jesus. I left the Church because people in it hurt me and I was tired of waiting for undelivered promises. I was tired of waiting for God to show up and do something in this world. I still talk to God every day. I know the theology behind the hidden God and why God supposedly doesn't interact with the world. It's a little convenient. It always has been. I bought in for a long time until I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to honor the doubts that were inside for a very long time. It took me a couple of decades to own the frustrations that some people asked me a long time ago why I didn't have those frustrations. 

I was a diligent servant to the Church and in return it left me in pieces. But this isn't some abstract entity, it was my family, my friends, my colleagues, and my community. And for most of my life, a significant portion of my identity. My tattoos reveal that fact. I have not changed as much as it may outwardly appear. Also, I have arrived at different conclusions in order to heal. 

Someone once called me “the spawn of Satan” and it took me 12 years to think of the proper response. “So you've met my father?” I was told that to make me smaller. I was told that because somebody didn't get what they wanted from me. I have spent my entire personal and professional life trying to navigate what people want from me. All I want in return, is to be myself, to have safety, security, and my basic needs met. 

I took a gamble and went into ministry because I was tired of playing small. I took a gamble and got a degree for it because I was tired of playing small. A few people might remember, I had misgivings about getting paid to do ministry work before I ever did because I knew money would influence things. Perhaps I should have listened to that voice a little more than I did, but I backed myself into a corner by taking out student loans to get that Bible degree and I had to pay for it somehow. I'll be paying for that degree until I'm dead. 

My stories aren't meant to impress or inspire you. They're also not meant to attack whatever you may believe. They're meant to inform what it has taken me to learn, grow, and evolve personally and professionally. I choose kindness as much as possible because I've experienced enough unkindness for the way I walk, the way I talk, the things I enjoy, and for speaking my truth. I'll hold the door for strangers every day because there's a ten year old me on the inside that delights in doing things for others. I still aspire to be Christlike in spite of not wanting to be a Christian anymore. 

When I say hi to you when you walk into my job, I do it with the same purpose that I led ministry, to welcome you and let you know you belong here. The Evangelicals I learned from were right about a few things, sometimes it's better to serve people without telling them it's on purpose. The difference is, I'm not looking to win souls. I'm just looking to be kind for the sake of being kind. I'm kind to people I don't like and don't trust on purpose because kindness helps counter judgement. Whether we like each other or not, we're both humans and that's enough. The Church taught me that. It's also a lot easier for me to be kind to you than it is for me to be kind to myself.