Game Over; Restart: Advice to My Younger Self

“What advice would you give your younger self?” Love yourself first. I was brought up on “Jesus, Others, Yourself.” I'm still trying to rewire that. Throughout most of my life with CP, I have lowered my worth for your acceptance. I have put you before me. Being the child of an alcoholic and a drug addict only exacerbated that pattern because so much of my life was for and about my parents. It's happened in jobs, friendships, and relationships. Now that I'm a parent myself, my kids take center stage, and I'm still finding my space. I'm still trying to figure out how to love myself first. I'd give this advice to my younger self because it's a really difficult pattern to break. 

It's taken me nearly forty years or so to develop the comfort to ask for the accommodations that I need and to advocate that people don't make assumptions about my abilities. That's not for a lack of words on my part. It's a lack of owning my space in life. I've smashed the expectations set for me professionally. I still have my doubters and it still fuels me to prove them wrong. I also have very specific and siloed goals that shield me from people's opinions. The humble part of me is grateful for everything I have in life. The part of me that's had to scratch my way to every position, begging for scraps along the way, knows I'm more capable than the doubters because I have every reason not to get out of bed in the morning, and yet I show up on purpose every day. 

I've overworked myself physically because I put your needs ahead of mine. Loving myself first isn't just advice I'd give my younger self, it's something I've been slowly redirecting for several years. When my ministry career ended, I vowed not to give any job that much of my soul again because I've spent over fifteen years in recovery from my ministry experience. That doesn't mean that I didn't love it because I did. Today, I work for a purpose that happens to align with my values. That's a lot different than working because of your beliefs. That was more of a lifestyle than a job. Changing that mindset was painful and it put a rocket on my career in librarianship. The best part is I still enjoy the work after a decade and that was definitely starting to slip in my ministry career towards the end. 

When I don't love myself first, I'm more likely to get physically and emotionally depleted. When that happens, I don't navigate workplace politics well because I'm chasing the clarity of approval and trying to be good enough. Religion told me I wasn't good enough. Family dysfunction taught me that it was my job to serve others. Having a disability makes me very protective of my basic needs. As I've started to love myself first, things have changed. 

I left religion because I didn't receive salvation for what I needed it from. Someone once asked me why I wasn't more angry with God and it's because it took awhile to get there. When you change course on serving others, as was my family role, the dynamics shift. I still love my family but there are firm and mostly unspoken nos that didn't used to be there. That came at a cost that I needed even though it hurts. I'm getting better at noticing when I'm running myself into the ground and caring for myself, but I'm still not very good at it. 

Loving myself is not giving up on me even when most of life hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I have a cool job. That keeps things interesting. I have beautiful children who'd I'd step in front of a bus for. I know and trust that if I continue to work on loving myself first, I will live the dreams I haven't gotten to yet. I'd tell my younger self to do that so that I could have been better about saying no when I needed to or yes to the right things. 

I didn't intend to write this on Good Friday. Since I did, if you need to remember to love yourself, it's never too late. “Hit restart. Put your chips all in. Pick up your heart. And love again” (Tim Kellogg, “Game Over; Restart,” 2012).