No More Tears

The Summer I turned ten, I had my second bilateral release surgery on my hamstrings and heel cords. They “Say God only gives you, what you're strong enough to handle. Then I must be pretty goddamn strong” (Jewel, “No More Tears”). I remember this surgery vividly because I spent most of the summer laid up in full leg casts. I wasn't supposed to bend my legs and for a good portion of time I wasn't supposed to try and walk around either. Even though my friends came to visit, I had toys, and video games at my disposal. I remember that feeling of being trapped. At this point spending summers recovering from a surgery was pretty common. It's part of the reason I never did another bilateral release. I was supposed to do that when I turned 18 and opted out because I was tired of having surgery. 

I don't know why I paused on a photo of me in those leg casts as I was reflecting on that Jewel quote above because it's only one of many things to build my resilience. A resilience that's frankly worn out. As we enter into a new calendar year and I do the best I can to muster up some sort of hope and optimism for the future, the realist in me knows that there are always more trials to come. I've lived through a lot of stuff, most of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. I don't think anyone should have to live the way that I have. Life has enough hardship without the added elements. At the same time, I wouldn't have perspective and I wouldn't be who I am without having gone through the things that I have. 

I recognize that everything in life is temporary because my parents are dead, because my career took a different turn, and because the life that I used to live is completely in the past. That's a tool as much as it is a scarred-over wound. Yeah, I still grieve every day and I accept that I probably always will. Yet, I also am aware at a deep core level the life keeps moving in spite of the pain, in spite of the failures, in spite of the places where you took a wrong turn, in spite of the places that you don't want to be anymore, and in spite of the moments when you think you can't keep going. You can. You will. You do. 

I never thought that summer in the cast would end, it felt like an endless summer, and not in the cool  surfer movie way. I never thought the trials and tribulations of adolescence would end either, but they do, and then you go into your teen years where that feels like it's never going to end also, and then that ends and you become a young adult, and then that ends too, and so on and so forth. This isn't necessarily to inspire as much as it is to be a reminder that the challenges that we face are part of the story. They are not the story, even if I suspect you wouldn't keep reading this without a little bit of the pain and suffering. Would I really have anything to write about if it was all sunshine and rainbows? Of course, life is a mixed bag. 

Some days I'm going to feel like the trial of today is going to last forever because I can't see how one day it will be in the rearview mirror. That's no different than when I was sitting on that porch swing recovering from surgery as a 10 year old. I distinctly remember thinking that I would never see the end of that summer because it was just rough. Then the following year something else happened and I never thought I'd see the end of that. And, then life had other cycles and changes, many of which I've written about here in Cerebral Palsy and Intersectionality.

A lesson I finally learned from my experiences is that I will keep going until I cannot keep going anymore. It is not that I never doubt myself, in fact I doubt myself often, and I put a lot of work into not doing that. It is that I have finally come to accept that I have survived everything life has thrown at me and I will continue to do so until I can't anymore. That does not necessarily mean that I reflect on everything with joyfulness. I'm not always soft around the edges. I do reflect on everything with gratitude. I shouldn't have lived through most of it. I shouldn't have any optimism left and that's not to say that I have a lot of optimism, but it's there (don't tell, you'll give me a bad rep).

As Jewel echoes I still see “the shining face of love” in and behind and around all the grief. I have not lived my dreams. I have not given up on living my dreams. I don't know when I will live them or how, but I believe that all that I need is coming to me in some way shape or form. My plan for 2026 is to keep moving forward, with gratitude for the road behind me and a small glimmer of hope for the one in front of me. 

Well there's a lot of wounds and trauma related to growing up religious, even though I left religion behind, it's not like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I know that there's something more to this life than me and the stories that I tell. I know there's something more to this life than the greed, the war, the consumerism, and the chaos that surrounds us every day. I just don't pretend to know what that answer is anymore. That's one thing about getting older, I'm a lot less certain of everything than I used to be. It's my goal to just keep moving forward and I know that life may have other plans for me. I know that I have no control over that. Until that happens, I will be thankful for each day that I wake up and I get to do life. I will continue to believe that one day I will live my dreams. My, oh so, simple dreams; that are sometimes too simple for the people around me. 

One day the casts are going to come off and I'm going to have to recover, just like I did when I was 10. One day I'll go from being in the casts and feeling trapped and stuck, to stumbling to my knees from weakness after the casts come off, and I will get to look at the sunset at the Chatfield Reservoir. One day I'll go through the recovery processes again, whether that's physical therapy again, martial arts again, skiing again, swimming again, or something altogether different. The point of that story is to know that I won't stay stuck forever and that the next chapter is around the corner. That's the real mystery as to how to get through these things. There have been many stages and phases in my life that I wouldn't have been able to tell you this because I didn't know I was going to get through it. This is what the perspective of resilience brings. I know I can get through it. I know I will be unstuck. I know I will live my dreams. And, for some reason, if I don't I will keep moving forward and keep trying until I no longer can keep going.

Remember, this is not meant to inspire you, not even a little bit because this has been a hard, hard road that I literally would not wish on my enemies or the worst people on earth because that's just who I am. I don't want to see any more pain and suffering, not for myself, not for the people I care about, and not for the people I don't give a f*** about. “I will see love’s shining face” (Jewel).