Peace in the Stick Season, You Broke Me Too

“Say that you want me, I know you don't. No you don't, cause you don't know. What I've been through, led me to you. You found me, I was broken. You let a little bit of hope in. But you, you broke me too” (Yellowcard and Avril Lavigne, “You Broke Me Too”). 

Most of the things I've really wanted in life haven't lasted very long. Sometimes that's my fault. Sometimes it's not. One of the things that I'm learning to overcome in myself is that need for external validation and the role that that has played usually in interpersonal relationships. 

But, it plays its part in other ways too, like when I used to write about theology back in the day. Oh boy, did I live for your reaction to it. That's the whole reason I even wrote a piece on the gender of God because I wanted to say it in a way to get people to react and it did. What about being on the stage with a guitar in my hand and a mic in my face? What about preaching the Thanksgiving sermon and having to wear an alb, which nobody looks good in by the way. Side note, when I did that sermon, I was too theological and didn't do enough stories like this. I was that way on purpose because I felt like people in general were pretty out of touch with the theology, and the purpose of why ministry and church are even a thing. Also, what was the point of having a degree in this stuff if I didn't get to show it off every once in a while?

“Get the best of my heart, then you leave me for dead” (Avril Lavigne). This isn't the first time that I've written stories and poured out my soul, I used to do it in songwriting all the time for the better part of a decade, I did it in writing about theology, but none of those things really got into the stories, they were ways to tell the stories in a different medium. Today, I'm not here talking to you about what I believe and why necessarily, I'm showing you why I believe the things I do or don't believe the things I did through stories. Am I still secretly hoping that you're going to validate me? Probably. However, I've learned a lot more than I used to know, and I forgot a lot of what I knew, and I know this to be true, it is up to me to validate myself, regardless of what you think of what you see.

It's gotten a lot easier in the public spaces and at work, but it's still pretty difficult in the personal and private spaces. I get close to people and they disappear. Sometimes I push them away. Sometimes they go their own way for whatever the reason and I'm left wondering why. There's stories I don't tell here, that I may bump into once in a while, but those are the ones that really take the most work for me.

“So I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad that I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from Dad” (Noah Kahan, “Stick Season”). While I'm not my father, I did inherit a lot of things from my dad. I love music, he gave me that. I tend to obsess on a project and if somebody's looking for something I won't stop looking for it until I find it (really wish I hadn't inherited that one). I also inherited a bit of my dad's short fuse. I don't like that one bit, but I take responsibility for how I show up, and I learn from each time I feel that anger rise. I'm a pretty mellow guy at work because I need to be. I don't lead well when I burn that fuse. 

I also inherited a lot from my mom. My desire for your approval is definitely something I saw in her a lot. I see it in me too. That hurts. However, recognizing that has actually provided much more sympathy for me towards my mother. “The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me. Would it be enough if I could never give you peace” (Taylor Swift, “Peace”)? (That's the only Taylor Swift song I like by the way). And, no Taylor, it wouldn't be enough because peace is at the top of the goals.

So what happens when I finally find peace in a connection? I push and I pull, and things don't go according to plan. The hardest part is that I don't trust the peace when it comes. And, it usually doesn't last. Because of the things I've been through, a lot of people find comfort in talking to me, they find it easy because I'm not afraid to hold space for this level of depth, and unfortunately not everybody is genuine when they receive that, some people are takers. They get what they need from me and I don't get what I need from them. Right now, if you're thinking about the way that you and I have communicated together, you can probably see bits and pieces of what I'm talking about here. I sincerely doubt if anyone will show up for me the way that I need them to. Yet, I'm learning to let that go, and figure out ways to show up for myself so that it doesn't make as much of a difference if you don't. I tell my stories to strangers because they're the ones listening. 

Most of my friends don't follow my blog like strangers do. When I talked about writing a book, at home I was asked why. It takes a lot to hold the kind of space that a person like me brings. I am in this zone of deep waters most of the time, and it's my experience that the majority of people need a break from that from time to time. A lot of people like a deep philosophical discussion, but it's a place to visit. For me, it's the place I live. It's important for me to share that I didn't really choose that. I've tried to choose a lightness of being and it comes out sometimes, but the deeper things draw me in. 

It was never really my goal to be too intense for people. When some of the people that love me the most told me I'm intense, I took note of that. My lightness of being comes out in things that I can't do most of the time. It comes out when I'm playing music and improvising lyrics. It comes out when I listen to my kids happily playing. It comes out when I hear the sounds of my guilty pleasure playlist, most of which is NSFW. It comes out when I'm watching wrestling and remembering that magical feeling of being pulled into the story, as I have been so many times for almost 40 years. It definitely came out the first time I sang Baby One More Time live in front of an audience because you can't help but laugh at that. I even laughed as I sang it. I have goals to be lighter but without losing the soul of what makes me, me because I don't really mind. All this stuff isn't too deep for me, it's just the place that I call home. My real goal at this point is to heal more than I break. 

That means when I reminisce on the Thanksgiving sermon I don't have to remember that some people complained that I was wearing the alb that I would have preferred not to. I don't have to dwell on the fact that people criticized me for writing about the gender of God because I used inflammatory language. I think by now anyone that's been reading my stuff is quite aware that I recognize the mechanism that is the written word. That's not a new skill for me. I knew that using four-letter words and things of that sort were a tool for a resistant audience. I don't have to think of every person that's not in my life anymore that I thought was going to be the next great connection. There's a couple that I think about all the time because as I've written about before it's hard to find people that really see you sometimes and those people really saw me. 

In my story, there are no villains and there are no victims. Not anymore anyways. I am where I am today as a result of circumstances beyond my control and choices of my own doing. That's no different for me than anyone else who would rather talk about shopping and Christmas decorations, and whatever else is much more lighthearted fare this time of year. I know I have unfinished business this time of year. The important thing to acknowledge is that that's okay.

In the end, I know that all of this is a cry out to the wilderness to be seen, safe, and supported. That's what I really need. I need to let myself be okay with the mess and to ask for the support I need. I need to let myself be seen because you can only hold me back as much as I let you. I need to give myself peace instead of waiting for it from you.