Thank You for Loving Me: Thankful I was Born Under a Bad Sign

 I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life. I tell stories of living with a disability in context. I'm thankful for that context. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't live with Cerebral Palsy. I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't watched my parents work through the struggles of addictions and mental health. I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't spent decades in the Church before leaving. I wouldn't be who I am without songwriting. I wouldn't be who I am without grief. I wouldn't be who I am without loss and love (also the title of my 2007 album). I'm grateful for it all, but I'm especially thankful for the love along the way.


Because of my messy and beautiful context, I've spent a lifetime overcoming a deficit and it's not my disability that I'm overcoming. It's a deficit of self-worth. The downside of my context is the negative messages about myself that I believed. Worthless. Sinner. Powerless. Not enough. Slow. Unattractive. Unloveable. It's a little weird to put this out there because I'm still tending to some of that. 


I'm so incredibly thankful for the people who have loved me and the ones that love me now because I might have a deep level of resolve to keep going, but I cherish every form of love that's ever shifted my attention and mindset away from worthlessness. I think about the friends I've kept for decades. I think about the ones who've come and gone. I think about the family that was on much of this messy-beautiful journey with me. I think about the partners and lovers (don't worry I'm not telling our stories). But, the people who really made a difference, who made sure I felt the love in the mess, after the mess, because of the mess, or in spite of the mess are a large part of the reason I can see the beauty. 


I wanted to take a moment to thank you. Sometimes when I tell these stories my focus on creating contextual awareness gives more attention to the messy parts of my context, to the painful parts, and to the struggles. I carry the love and the loss together. I see your faces every day whether you're living, dead, still doing life with me in some way, or our stories have gone separate ways. I have apologies for some of you over the things I hadn't learned about myself yet that turned some things from beautiful to messy. 


That's the thing about this life, some things we choose, some things we don't, and yet we have opportunities with each piece of the puzzle. I didn't choose to live with Cerebral Palsy, likely a brain bleed due to underdevelopment in premature birth made that choice for me. But, I wouldn't choose to not have CP. I didn't choose how I grew up or what I was born into, but I'm thankful for all of it because of the lenses it provides me now. 


I choose kindness and grace because that's where my true power lies. Both in grace and in the choice. I've witnessed the absolute worst of humanity and I know that I'm not above any of that. In fact, I'm quite capable of it. I don't like who I am when I live in the wounds, the anger, and the darkness. I've learned to surf that and choose differently. I'm still learning that. 


What are you supposed to do with all of this? Ideally witness the gratitude and what I have to let go of to get there. How does this show up in life and work? I have internalized ableism and allowed others to mistreat me because I didn't believe I deserved more than that. I brought self-doubt into interviews and decisions. I depended on you to fill the deficit. Conversely, if I've ever told you that I love you, odds are that I still do. That shows up in long-term connections, in bids for deeper conversations, in the way that I try to lead non-competitively and authentically. I’m grateful for the beautiful mess. Thank you for loving me or at least being on the journey. 

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