CP or the Intersectionality: Gotta Serve Somebody

Bob Dylan sang, “you're gonna have to serve somebody.” He was singing about God or the devil, but I already spent most of my life in service to one and don't believe in the other (don't @ me this isn't my first rodeo). But, every day, I'm in service to the demands of my Cerebral Palsy and/or the Intersectionality of living through adverse childhood experiences and complex trauma. What does it mean to be in service to these things? They guide the day. 

Starting with Cerebral Palsy, remember, the part of my brain responsible for motor functions, balance, and some other abilities was damaged at some point around birth. Based on my birth records (not joyful bedtime reading – oops, and no AI em dash here), it was probably related to the multitude of things going on when I spontaneously decided to show up early. That brain injury restricted my muscle movement. Hence, Cerebral Palsy. 

I don't have much say in how tight my muscles are going to be each day. The default is tighter than the snare on a snare drum (pretty f’ing tight). I move and function in service to that each day and, as I've aged, I added pain to the list. My body is the boss, no matter how much my mind protests. 

But, I don't only live with physical limitations. The reason this is called Cerebral Palsy and Intersectionality is because of the other stuff I carry every day. Due to adverse childhood experiences, growing up in dysfunction, and having an embedded narrative of religious shame that sticks with me even though I left the Church, I have to work through the complexities of long-term trauma. But, why do I have to serve that? 

If I don't tend to that trauma and take care of myself, I will be in a constant state of hyper awareness, like someone in danger. As it is, it's much easier for me to reflect back to others the inner darkness of being human than it is for me to see your love and kindness. Now, imagine trying to connect with people through that, to patiently parent through that, to go to work and temper the reactivity that I may feel inside. 

That's why I borrowed the concept of living in service to CP and the intersection of other life contexts because they don't define who I am, but they very easily could define my existence if I don't serve their needs (and occasional demands). I'm pretty intentional about working and leading with kindness and compassion because of what I've gone through. My experience has also made me realize that it's not realistic to pretend that the things we live with don't show up in everything we do. 

Physically, I don't know what pace I'm going to have each day and I have to then emotionally deal with the feelings that arise when I don't meet your expectations. The worst thing you could tell me or infer is that I'm not working hard enough because I internalized that message at multiple points in my life (some general and some specific), and I push myself to my limit or beyond it every day. As I age, I'm paying for that literally and figuratively. 

Internally, I'm afraid of losing everything – again. I've built a lot of resilience but at a cost that's greater than it's probably worth (to me anyway). But, why am I telling you all of this? Because it's important to leadership. Because I'd really like your gentleness instead of your criticisms (I've heard you loud and clear). Because what might be an afterthought or a passing comment for you might make my day really difficult. Especially at work because it's not appropriate for me to tell you off if that's what I'm thinking. My reaction depends on how something lands, if I'm scared something from my childhood or a loss was probably triggered. If I'm aggravated and defensive, my protectors are working. If I'm super critical, you get the idea something is triggered. 

Today, I'm not telling you all of this to make you feel bad or to trauma dump. I'm telling you this so that you'll truly hear it. If I'm telling you that there's a lot going on that you can't see and I haven't shared here that influences how I show up every day, I need you to hear it and see it, and I hope you'll recognize your own context, or the context of your teams at work. I live, work, and lead with all of my experience, sometimes that's wildly successful, and sometimes it's absolutely brutal. I suspect that all of us have our own versions of that and that's one of the reasons I share my stories to show up as my authentic self. 

I'm open to conversation and questions about my lived experience, in fact, I prefer that you ask me what I need than assume. Sometimes, I need more time. Sometimes, I need to rest. Sometimes, I need you to ask me if I want help instead of deciding that for me. Sometimes, I need you to play fair if that's what I'm expected to do. Always, consider that we experience the same thing differently, I want agency in what I'm doing, and understanding for the fact that I'm likely to react to challenges differently than you are.