Foreign Window into the Moments of Mindset and Defiance
Many years ago, I was a student of the Bible and ministry. During an internship, I had the opportunity to go to Salt Lake City, Utah. One day on the trip, I was given the opportunity to give the sermon before the meal for the hungry and unhoused. I was volunteering with the Salvation Army and we were working with volunteers from the local Roman Catholic Church in a soup kitchen run by the LDS Church. You couldn't have three more diametrically opposed theological entities serving one mission. And then you put me in the mix.
The opportunity to speak to the diners was a career opportunity for me. I had the chance to speak to probably a hundred people that day. But the beautiful gift of who I was at that time in my life, is that I recognized the opportunity I had, and didn't have a single ounce of fear about giving it away for what mattered more to me. In that instance, what mattered more to me was helping these people be seen as hungry human beings.
I was told I had somewhere between a half hour and an hour to speak. The catch, my audience wouldn't get to eat until I was done. Now, I need you to understand something about me. I have long been defiant of authoritarian structures and the status quo for my own survival. And there was a time in my life, then, when I didn't have any problem pushing back against things. Even if it meant my biggest opportunity would be “wasted.”
I took the microphone, I stepped into the center of the room, I looked around at the people waiting to eat, and I told them something that I still believe to be true to this day. I said, “I'm supposed to come here and tell you something about God, but you already know more about God than I ever will.” With that, I said a short prayer, invited my guests into the food line, and put the microphone down.
I'm not telling you this as a brag or anything like that because I'm not some kind of saint. What I did that day was an act of defiance against the three organizations I was working with. I saw an injustice of people not being seen for who they were just because they were unhoused. I wasn't okay with that. I knew I was probably going to get in trouble for cutting the time short because nobody was going to be prepared to feed everybody yet. Arguably, what I did was a rookie move. However, that move has stuck with me all these years because of the response I got afterwards from the attendees.
I was able to greet the guests and shake hands and have them essentially tell me that they felt seen by my actions. At some point in the process, I shot a look across the room to my supervisor, who had a look on their face that conveyed the opposite of surprise. If anything, they were kind of amused that I gave a polite F’ you to the plan.
For me, it was just an ordinary day deciding to carve a different path. But, it was also a person living behind a foreign window (me), looking at a group of people who were also behind a foreign window (the guests). I figured, if I was going to preach a theology that said we're all children of God, I better back it the f****** up. This story is a professional and personal highlight for me, but it's also an illustration of why I didn't fit in the ministry long-term. When I look at Jesus, I see a radical to society, not one that keeps the status quo intact. But, I found out really quickly that if I was going to eat, I had to play by the rules of the game.
What do I mean by that? In ministry and in much of life, people don't want to feel uncomfortable. I am most comfortable in the depth of the soul. I am most comfortable in the chaos of life. I am most comfortable in the uncertainty of truth. I am more comfortable verbalizing my vulnerabilities as a person living with CP or my philosophical view of the world that might make others uncomfortable, than I am talking around the water cooler. I find small talk uneasy. But, if you want to sit in the mess, feel the truth of your lived experience, see the full context of life as both beautiful and painful, and not be afraid of that. That's where I thrive. My world is anything but cookie cutter. It took me a long time to learn that I am more palatable to most people if I live near the surface.
The scariest part of telling these stories is that I will be criticized for it. I love who I am. Though I don't always love myself very well. When people look behind my foreign window, most have a tendency to back away because it's too intense, it's too deep, it's too much. What I found after years of living closer to the surface for the sake of others’ comfort and stable income is that I was slowly losing myself. I don't want to do that anymore and so I'm showing up to write and speak about these things.
Stay tuned for more Cerebral Palsy and Intersectionality. Drop your questions in the comments.
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