Hand in My Pocket of the Clothes that Don't Fit

I don't have a favorite outfit because nothing fits right. Cerebral Palsy affects my posture and overall body movement, which impacts the way clothes sit on my body. It's always been incredibly difficult for me to find clothes that fit just right. And, I've never been one of the means to have my clothes Custom Tailored even if my attitude is (that's a call back to an old lyric of mine).

On occasion, I have used the fact that clothes don't fit right as a way to hide my CP. In high school and into my twenties, I wore very loose fitting jeans, which did more to hide my gait than most clothes. It also hid my stance when I wasn't moving. I liked that. There was a time in high school where those kinds of pants were fashionable, but for most people it was just the look of the time. For me, it was also a way to blend in. 

The worst part is being uncomfortable. I'm incredibly uncomfortable in most clothes that are deemed professional. I put on a tie when it's expected of me, but it feels like the fakest thing I could possibly do, and the furthest thing from who I am. That's a risky move to admit because I had a tie on two days ago (from the writing of this post, not the posting). But it's more than just my personality, slacks don't fit. And, when I get ones that are too big, so that they fit better, then they don't look right. 

For instance, I frequently wear pants that are longer than I need them to be in a standing position because they'll be shorter than I need them to be in a sitting position. The reason for this is entirely my posture that I can't change and that's because of my CP. Like I should legitimately have custom tailored work clothes, in order to look my best, but I can't afford that. It's one thing when I do this with my jeans because they'll fray a little bit at the ends and it doesn't matter too much. It's another thing that I have to do this with my work clothes because I know they don't look right, but it's the best option I have. It's a constant struggle. 

I try not to fuss about my clothes too much and I just make the best of it because this has been the case for as long as I can remember. Since wearing no clothes isn't really an option that would be ideal to explore, I wear clothes that are too big or too long in order to get even close to the right fit. It's annoying, but I accept it. As a result, I don't pay too much attention to my fashion, which has been noticed more by others over the years, but this is really the first time I've explained it. 

And then there's shoes, shoes and I have a very disgruntled relationship. I can destroy a pair of shoes inside of four months. More accurately, I will destroy the left shoe of every pair of shoes I have due to my foot dragging. I legitimately have a pair of overpriced hiking shoes, as my casual shoe for the grip so that I don't slip, and so they might last for more than four months. I prefer to wear Vans but I annihilate them. I have so many pairs of the same work shoes because of how quickly I destroy them that I will recycle the ones that are no longer in decent enough shape to wear to work, as my “yard shoes” for when I need to go outside or walk the kids in the neighborhood, but not to really go anywhere.

There's only one piece of clothing that I actually like and that's the leather jacket that was gifted to me by a college roommate almost 20 years ago.

I am otherwise only physically comfortable in casual clothing. Even casual clothing doesn't fit right most of the time. It is easier to get jeans cut in a way that they fit better because there's more options for that. But there's really only one way that I feel comfortable in my skin and that's on a massage table. 

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